It’s his family movies that I’m most fascinated by, especially because he often uses them as a canvas for groundbreaking digital filmmaking techniques. These bold, Crayola-colorful films occasionally look uncanny or garish, but it’s part of their charm and flavor.

Rankings

• The Spy Kids Cinematic Universe, Ranked

Podcast Episodes

• Spy Kids Cinematic Universe (Part 1)
• Spy Kids Cinematic Universe (Part 2)

Chronological

• Spy Kids (2001) (Very Good)
• Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams (2002) (Not Very Good)
• Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003) (Not Good)
• Sin City (2005) (Good) – (Co-Directed w/ Frank Miller)
• The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl (2005) (Good)
• Machete – Grindhouse Trailer (2007) (Good) – (Short)
• Shorts (2009) (Nearly Good)
• Machete (2010) (Good)
• Spy Kids: All the Time in the World (2011) (Not Good)
• Machete Kills (2013) (Good)
• We Can Be Heroes (2020) (Nearly Good)
• Spy Kids: Armageddon (2023) (Not Very Good)

By Rating

Very Good (6/8)

• Spy Kids (2001)

Good (5/8)

• Sin City (2005) – (Co-Directed w/ Frank Miller)
• The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl (2005)
• Machete – Grindhouse Trailer (2007) – (Short)
• Machete (2010)
• Machete Kills (2013)

Nearly Good (4/8)

• Shorts (2009)
• We Can Be Heroes (2020)

Not Very Good (3/8)

• Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams (2002)
• Spy Kids: Armageddon (2023)

Not Good (2/8)

• Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003)
• Spy Kids: All the Time in the World (2011)

Not Seen / Not Rated

• El Mariachi (1992)
• Four Rooms (1994)
• Desperado (1995)
• From Dusk till Dawn (1996)
• The Faculty (1998)
• Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)
• Planet Terror (2007) (part of Grindhouse w/ QT)
• Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014)
• Alita: Battle Angel (2019)
• Red 11 (2019)
• Hypnotic (2023)

Last Updated

• 9/26/2024

Review Index

Perhaps it’s telling that I spent most of Spy Kids 5 thinking about previous entries in the Spy Kids Cinematic Universe. Like Spy Kids 4, this is a reboot, so the characters introduced in Spy Kids 4 are an abandoned memory. For that matter, there’s also no appearance of Carmen or Juni; though it should be noted that both Daryl Sabara and Alexa PenaVega are older than Carla Gugino was when Spy Kids premiered, so any opportunity to call them Spy “Kids” is long gone.

What we have with the new protagonists is a greatest hits collection of the previous Spy Kids movies: There’s some base infiltration, like Spy Kids 1. There’s some CGI Ray Harryhausen-inspired monsters, like in Spy Kids 2. And there’s some gnarly green-screen thrill ride abominations like Spy Kids 3. And not much of anything from Spy Kids 4, but there isn’t much there I would consider a “greatest hit.”

The cast this time around is Zachary Levi and Gina Rodriguez as the spy parents and newcomers Connor Esterson and Everly Carganilla as the titular children. Levi and Rodriguez are charismatic enough for the part, though they both play the role with a bit too much levity. Part of the charm of Spy Kids 1 was how straight-faced Gugino, Antonio Banderas, and Danny Trejo played the adult roles. Esterson and Carganilla are fine, never distracting but very forgettable.

Rodriguez thankfully does not abandon the most prominent recurring motif of Spy Kids, which is a villain who is a troubled creator taking his fantasies too far. This time, as with Spy Kids 3, the villain is the reclusive inventor of a popular video game, though this time he’s not played by Rocky. “The King” (Billy Magnussen) steals a piece of software called “The Armageddon Code,” which can reprogram any computer system.

When he does so, he infects electronic systems throughout the world with video games so they can only be accessed if the human populace starts slowing down and enjoying the lighter side of life. E.g. you can only access an ATM if you beat a platforming puzzle first. Alas, The King only has half of The Armageddon Code, so only half of the world’s systems are infected. (I’m in IT professionally, but you probably don’t need me to tell you that that none of that is how malware works.) Thus, he searches for the second half of the code, which is protected on a flash drive of sorts by the two spy kids.

It’s a bit too convoluted as a conflict, vaguely gesturing towards themes that Rodriguez has attacked more potently in previous films: For example, the one great part of Spy Kids 4 was a reflection on a parent and society that values professional productivity over family bonds. Shorts, for all its bodily function humor, is a surprisingly fun satire on a life dominated by technology.

Rodriguez has long exited his “coked up whirlwind” phase and entered his “competent craftsman” phase, meaning that Spy Kids 5 is much more functional in terms of story and polish than, e.g., the otherworldly ugliness of Sharkboy and Lava Girl. There are even fewer surprises here than the similarly-professional We Can Be Heroes. The set up and payoff and character threads all more-or-less work, but they feel less intimate than ever. At least there are no film-breaking mistakes here like the annoying sidekick or gross-out humor of Spy Kids 4.

So what do I do with all that in sum? Rodriguez up to his old tricks with more competence than ever, never broken, always fun and breezy for its 95 minutes, but not even one iota of it surprising and daring? I guess it’s “better” than Spy Kids 3 and 4, and maybe even 2, but is “better” always better?

Rodriguez pays tribute to his friend and mentor, Quentin Tarantino, with a genuinely clever narrative structure that is simultaneous an anthology film (a bunch of Shorts, if you will) and a nested whole, a la Pulp Fiction. The story revolves around a magic wishing stone. Of course every wish goes wrong, not because of a problem with the stone, but because every character is really bad at making wishes.

And as with all of Rodriguez’s films, Shorts maintains an element of introspection among the chaos. Here, he reckons with families and friendships falling apart at the seams despite being more connected than ever via technology.

To be honest, I might be underrating this a bit. I went in with gutter-level expectations but I got a kick out of the twisted visuals and laughed a few times in spite of my better judgment. It’s that prepubescent id I never quite grew out of, I guess.

Rodriguez takes a fresh stab at a Crayola action pic with sci-fi flavors. It lacks the Freudian blast of energy and weirdness of its inspiration, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, but has a much more conventional and effective story.

The story is basically a tweeny Avengers clone, and the movie does a good job making each of its characters fairly distinct. We Can Be Heroes gets a lot of visual creativity out of the varied powers of the characters. The set pieces are pretty solid and clever. Pedro Pascal is overqualified but still welcome as the lead adult actor.

There’s a big ending twist that is of dubious plausibility, but it at least fits well with the world and themes of the movie.

The writing doesn’t dig as deep as I hoped; the film is missing a sense of reflection and self-criticism that Rodriguez’s most personal films has. There’s an air of triviality to the whole thing, but it’s a kids movie, so that’s a feature, not a bug.

The story, on the other hand, is a Freudian nightmare of semi-comprehensibility. Sharkboy and Lavagirl are essentially competing forces of protagonist Max’s subconscious. They drift through dreamlike settings that evoke childhood fantasies and delusions thinly masking pubescent sexual urges.

It’s truly a movie that must be seen to be believed, which is not to say it’s a “good” movie. Certainly, I hate many specific elements, not least of which are the gimmicky 3D pop-ups and George Lopez as a hammy Oz-like villain.

It’s ultimately equal parts cinematic fiasco and fantasia, while still conveying as mid-tier kiddie fare. A total identity crisis. I haven’t had more fun watching a movie in weeks.

And Spy Kids: All the Time in the World actually gets the fundamentals of the story right: We have a fresh, family-focused remix of the Spy Kids 1 premise. This time, only one of the adults (Jessica Alba) is in the know, while the second parent (Joel McHale) is ironically host of a spy hunting-themed reality show.

There’s strong emotional undercurrent to all of the action, too, as daughter Rebecca struggles to accept Alba as her step-mom. The sense of shifting identities and uncertain loyalties underpins the espionage drama in meaningful ways.

Once again in the Spy Kids series, too, the story’s villain provides a powerful element of artistic reflection for Rodriguez. The Timekeeper, we eventually learn, is a child who missed his parent’s love due to professional obsession.

But if the guts of this film are a Pillsbury vanilla cake — sweet, fun, satisfying, forgettable — then its icing is rancid ketchup, here in the form of single worst comic relief sidekick that I can recall seeing on screen. Ricky Gervais voices an endlessly quipping robo-dog named Argonaut, ruining almost every fun moment with a stupid joke. It’s so damn distracting.

Nearly as bad as the excessive potty humor. The original trilogy was not devoid of poop jokes, but they were at least used sparingly and moderately cleverly. Here, barf/poop/fart is the default punchline (which the theatrical released captured with scratch-and-sniff smell-o-vision cards), which is both unpleasant and lazy.

So, yeah. It could be worse. I don’t mind the cast. I like the family stuff. The set pieces are good. The appearances from the original trilogy’s stars are well-done.

But I knock off one rating point for Argonaut and another for the scatology, bringing the movie down from “decent” to “avoid,” unfortunately.

Machete Kills smooths out the original’s grittiness and sleaze into a more streamlined action comedy… though “streamlined” definitely isn’t the right word. Everything here is too over-the-top — the very over-the-top-ness being the point — to call “streamlined.”

The film breaks pretty neatly into two halves. The first is a wild reverse-chase cleverly designed to invert common tropes of exploitation films: Instead of a quest to hunt down and kill the big boss, it’s a quest to keep him alive. (He has the switch to nuclear bomb attached to his heart, after all.) Instead of protecting the gold-hearted prostitute, she’s hunting Machete down with gun-boobs.

The second half is more broadly satirical, as Machete finds himself in the employ of a defense contractor billionaire played by Mel Gibson. This half is a bit less clever than the first, but even loonier as it throws in gadgets and clones and some sci-fi nonsense.

The film’s two-episode nature is problematic. It requires an abrupt pivot for the movie, halting momentum and dumping new exposition, which is my single biggest mark against it.

And overall, the movie suffers slightly from its maximalism, the constant roar of lunacy ultimately numbing its impact. It’s nonetheless absolutely delightful batshittery that had me smiling the whole time.

The cast remains filled with star power: in addition to Trejo, Gibson, and a returning Michelle Rodrigueze, we get Lady Gaga, Amber Heard, Sofia Vergara, Charlie Sheen, Vanessa Hudgens, Cuba Gooding Jr., Antonio Banderas, and more.

Just like Machete seemed to predict the heightened Trump-era border wall debate, so Machete Kills feels slightly prophetic. Here, the billionaire is obsessed with outer space as a garish token of his infinite power and wealth. Suffice it to say that theme has become prominent in the past two years as billionaires have launched themselves into space for the hell of it. Hell, Elon Musk even makes a cameo here!

The movie perfectly sets up and teases a third entry in the Machete series called “Machete Kills Again… In Space!” with a fake trailer. Because Machete Kills tanked with both viewers and critics, it seems less likely each day that it will ever get made. But I hope so, because the glimmers we get hint at an even higher possible ceiling of silly Machete absurdity, and I want to see how far Rodriguez can push this series’ aesthetic and mission.

Spy Kids 2 immediately tips that balance almost entirely towards “digital editing/CGI showcase.” In fact, Spy Kids 2 was one of the first non-George Lucas movies to film entirely on digital video.

The opening half hour attempts to muscle in a story about competing spy families. Thematically, it represents a dark mirror to the original: There are risks to putting family above everything else to an extreme, including nepotism, corruption, and stubborn conservatism. (Or, in kiddie speak: “daddy said so, so it must be right” even if it’s wrong.)

Once the movie’s adventure proper kicks in, it shifts to a set piece delivery mechanism, barely connected to the themes of “family” or “espionage,” minus a few haphazard blips of dialogue.

The obvious inspiration of the creature-focused action scenes is Ray Harryhausen, as Spy Kids 2 offers a full menagerie of fantasy monsters engaged in battles with human characters. There are skeletons, giant hybrid beasts, etc, all rendered in CGI instead of claymation.

And therein lies the problem: 2002 CGI, even if it was bleeding edge at the time, looks horrible 19 years later. (Harryhausen’s creations, meanwhile, still and will forever look amazing.) When the movie discards its emotional and narrative thread for a digital playground romp, there’s little fun in the movie now that we’ve all aged out of that playground — even if it’s a colorful, well-designed playground for the circumstances.

Steve Buscemi appears and is expectedly excellent. He’s the movie’s obvious acting highlight, and not just because he’s Steve Buscemi (and gets to deliver the film’s iconic line). His quasi-villain character, Romero, links thematically to Floop, the quasi-villain character of Spy Kids 1: a reclusive creator who’s lost control of his art and isn’t sure if his contributions have improved or worsened the world.

It actually shapes the Spy Kids saga to be a weirdly reflective effort for Robert Rodriguez: not just a canvas to dork around with CGI and write silly kid banter, but a vessel of his insecurities and dreams as an artist.

Spy Kids 2 is a rickety old thrill ride, with half the cast checked out and the script half-baked. (Antonio Banderas seems like he can barely make it through takes.) But it’s bright and kinetic and there’s just enough going on under the surface to not totally toss it in the trash heap.

Spy Kids 3 is, to me, a textbook example of “Fiasco.” It is certainly a very bad movie, broken in nearly every way. But its relentless pursuit of its vision and adherence to its own series’ themes and lore make it the kind of catastrophe you can’t help but salute even as it crashes to earth and kills all your loved ones.

Due presumably to some combination of budgetary and scheduling issues, Spy Kids 3 focuses almost entirely on Juni for at least 2/3 of its runtime. First, he’s a lone wolf hardboiled gumshoe, an idea the movie lingers on for half a scene. Then, Juni enters a virtual game world (a la VR “metaverse”) for the rest of the movie’s 84 minutes, accompanying some new friends.

Where Spy Kids 2 filled its tropical sets with CGI creatures, Spy Kids 3 is CGI from the ground up, with one half-assed Tron-esque set piece after another. The virtual world has no unifying theme or sense of place. The game’s rules are gibberish. The omnipresent CGI has aged like milk, made only worse by the nonstop 3D pop-out gimmicks, which look even stupider in 2D (how I watched). It’s the dull kind of ugly.

Honestly, why even make this a “Spy Kids” movie if there’s no espionage and almost no family? Just Juni’s VR misadventures?

Well, there’s actually a pretty good answer, and it comes down to the movie’s villain: The Toymaker (horribly miscast as Sylvester Stallone; Jeff Goldblum would have been perfect). He’s the third Spy Kids antagonist who is a reclusive creator, each more tortured than the last. Here, the villain is so wracked with guilt of the inadequacy and danger of his art that he’s literally trapped in it, having conversations with himself. He turns his art against the world as a defense mechanism.

There’s a nifty but pointless little showdown where a bunch of characters from throughout the Spy Kids trilogy are reunited. It suggests that Rodriguez cared more about this movie and its narrative role than literally any component of it suggests.

But the truth is, this might be the boldest Spy Kids movie, a proper capper: It’s a series increasingly detached from reality, immersed in fantasies, torn asunder by tortured artists who don’t know when to stop.

If only it was any good.

The fake Machete trailer on its own is a fun little piece that imagines an exploitation film weaponizing the Mexican border political landscape into biting satire, with splashes of delicious religious blasphemy. Of course, it pales in scope to the subsequent feature film, but there’s charm in putting the ideas in sharp relief for a 2-minute blast.