This Disney Channel Original Movie takes a very intriguing premise — boy begins transforming to merman on his thirteenth birthday and tries to hide it from the world; very clearly a metaphor for coming out as gay in 1999 — and makes it so damn boring.
The script lacks a coherent structure; subplots get added and discarded on a whim. It’s as if the writer only decided on a central theme for the film halfway through the first draft and never got around to a second draft.
The movies is led by a charisma vacuum named Chez Starbuck playing a teenager named Cody — the ultimate 1999 name. If Starbuck’s performance was remotely as exciting as his name, I’d probably be bumping this up a rating. Alas, he has no idea what do in front of a camera and was probably cast because he could swim.
The film’s main strength is that it really builds its coming-out-of-the-closet allegory down the stretch. He has a confrontation with his girlfriend that is an astonishingly frank mirror to a teen girl realizing she’s a beard. And the movie’s climax depends on Cody reviving his secret best male friend Jess with a jolt of love, a la Eve kissing Wall-E to bring back his memories.
But it fails to generate even the slightest dramatic tension thanks to weird pacing of exposition revelation and inconsistent characters — e.g. parents whose personalities are different every scene. (At least the dad is played by Uncle Joey from Full House.)
It’s still a Disney Channel movie with a light fantasy element, some time capsule fashion choices, and some corny-ass zingers. If that’s all you need, you can safely proceed — but then why are you even reading reviews? Otherwise, just watch Luca for a variation on this movie’s themes, but actual good filmmaking.
(If you want a full podcast-length review of Thirteenth Year, with a bunch more jokes at the expense of Chez Starbuck, plus a slightly more positive perspective on the movie from Brian focused on the cryptid-hunting angle, check out our coverage on our podcast.)
Is It Good?
Not Good (2/8)
Note: This review was published early in The Goods' history and is a candidate for an expanded review in the future. Please excuse brevity or inconsistencies in style.
Dan is the founder and head critic of The Goods. Follow Dan on Letterboxd. Join the Discord for updates and discussion.